Clean up on Aisle 2?

So if you have read my previous blogs, you may have noticed that I talk about farts. They were really funny when I was two and are still hilarious at 43! Okay, so this is a totally true story; and although it happened almost 12 years ago, I still cringe at the memory. I am (and have been for my entire life) a flatulent person. Being a girl makes it all that much more embarrassing, especially as a teenager! During those ever so tender years, I used to hold it until I could find a reason to place myself very far away from people to let 'em rip (I would never do it in the bathroom because I was absolutely sure everyone would here, even with the water running). This would cause me to experience immense abdomen pain, so I just decided to come out of the closet and make it a joke, ie: pull my finger, can you name this tune, pinching and releasing my cheeks to create an aria, etc. Well, this habit stayed with me well into my adult years as it had proven to be a win-win thing; I no longer had to suffer from abdominal pains and realized that those who thought farting was unacceptable really weren't the type of people I wanted to befriend anyways. Okay, back to the ever so true and humiliating story. I was living with my boyfriend in a three bedroom house with three other (all male) roomies. I had just gotten out of the shower, and being that my room was the first door next to the bathroom, I jetted to it with just a towel around me. My boyfriend happened to be in the room, and I had felt a big one coming on. That being said, when it was time to release, I hiked up my leg (totally buck naked) and said to him, "This is how much I love you." Expecting pure, raunchy gas, I suddenly and unexpectedly launched a big old turd on the carpet! Yes ladies and gentlemen, the kids never made it to the pool, but rather decided to take a free fall onto a shag rug. Yes, my friends, I took a dump on the carpet in front of my lovely Beau. How horrifically horrid those next few seconds were for me! Of course he was nearly unconscious from laughing and I merely jumped onto the bed and hid under the covers. The only thing I recall is yelling "don't look at it" over and over again! And yes, of course all of the other roommates had heard about it as well!

Another FreakyDream (ya think?) and notes about farts

So yes, another weird dream...but this one was about my foster sister and her fiance trying to kill her. From what I remember, she was dressed in a very simple wedding gown (and looking very beautiful) and came to me for protection. I had a couple of friends come over and armed them with guns on the night he threatened to complete this murderous task. When he approached my friends and I created a diversion so that she may escape and get to a safe place. However, she refused to go. As I can get some sort of epiphany's from this, I would like other insights as well.

On another note....completely humorous....I have been wondering why it is that when I have to go to the bathroom in regards to bowels, I more than not have to fart before I have to sit down. That being said, as soon as I sit down, my head (more importantly the height of my nose) is directly in the ground zero of my flatulence. And being that once I begin the ever so delightful experience of going number two, there is absolutely no way to pinch it off to escape the aroma of my little mishap which occurred before I sat down! So there I am left to suffer with not only the stink I am creating in the porcelain bowl, but the stink in which I had initiated before I sat down! Why is it that after 43 years of (naturally) performing this daily routine, I have not been able to consciously recognize what I am about to do to myself? I do not have any problems with the sphincter and I could easily pinch (the flatulence) for the three seconds it will take me to place my hiney on the throne. Hmmmm.......maybe I really like the aroma of my own gasses more so than the pungent smells of my dropping? Could be, but I doubt it!